Billie Eilish Has an Intense Nightmare in Her VMA-Nominated Song, “Everything I Wanted”

Trigger warning: This post contains mentions of suicide.

In case you haven’t been up to date on the music cycle, know that your favorite pop enigma Billie Eilish has a VMA-nominated song out that is sure to break your heart. Billie teased the song, “Everything I Wanted,” for quite some time, and now it’s finally here and ready to leave you sobbing in a puddle of your own tears.

Behind the song’s twinkling piano keys and wavering, melancholic synth instrumentals, Billie grapples with her sudden fame and opens up about a terrifying nightmare she had about dying by suicide. Thankfully it was just a dream, but it’s a painful reminder that Billie, despite her superstar status, is still a human being who has her own personal experiences with mental health issues.

Before you go ahead and blast this song before the timely hour of sad b*tch o’clock, allow me to decode these lyrics for you so you can truly understand the way that Billie’s been feeling lately.

[Verse 1]
I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
Not what you’d think
And if I’m bein’ honest
It might’ve been a nightmare
To anyone who might care

You may not have noticed, but Billie frequently sings about her connection to her dreams. Her debut album is literally called When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?, so it kinda goes without saying that her dreams influence her music.

In an interview with The Fader, Billie explained the role that her dreams play in her life. “Dreams are a really intense part of my life,” she said. “I’ll go through a month where I’ll have the same nightmare every single night—a dream that’s so bad that the whole day is off or a dream that’s so good that none of it’s true.”

Thought I could fly (fly)
So I stepped off the Golden, mm
Nobody cried (cried, cried, cried, cried)
Nobody even noticed
I saw them standing right there
Kinda thought they might care (might care, might care)

Here, Billie starts delving into the contents of her nightmare and confesses to the listener that she “stepped off the Golden”—aka San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge—to die by suicide. And if that wasn’t already terrible enough, everyone in Billie’s life, fans included, couldn’t have cared less.

Billie spoke about the meaning of “Everything I Wanted” to BBC Radio 1’s Annie Mac and said:

billie talks about the meaning behind “everything i wanted” (full interview at 7:30pm GMT on @BBCR1)

I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me

And you say, “As long as I’m here, no one can hurt you
Don’t wanna lie here, but you can learn to
If I could change the way that you see yourself
You wouldn’t wonder why you’re here, they don’t deserve you”

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