When it’s over, you can enlist Mark McGrath to dump your bae on your behalf.
On Monday, the Sugar Ray frontman and 2002 live-action Scooby Doo actor posted a video to the personalized messaging app Cameo. In the video, McGrath delivered some top-notch cringe, considerately telling a man named Bradyn that his girlfriend, Cheyenne, wanted to break things off.
“She wants you to know that you mean a lot to her,” McGrath said. “You mean the world to her. But she’s having difficulty staying in this long-distance relationship.”
McGrath, to his credit, showed empathy for the the spurned Bradyn, despite the fact that he was personally profiting off of this man’s supposed misery.
“She still wants to be friends with you, and she wants you to know, good luck on your thesis coming up—probably not the best timing, Cheyenne, when he’s doing his thesis, but I understand!” McGrath said.
This perverse collision of late capitalism, our obsession with celebrity, and pure, uncut schadenfreude helped quickly propel McGrath’s Cameo video to become a top trending topic on Twitter.
There’s a cameo recording
Where Mark McGrath
Breaks up for my girlfriend
It’s really heartbreaking
But I’ll see if I can tweet it
For some sympathy
Or a one night stand https://t.co/BNntehldgT
instead of going home for thanksgiving this year i will be paying mark mcgrath several hundred dollars to explain, in video, my emotional family hang-ups
But as is often the case on the internet, the McGrath video was too good to be true. Not long after McGrath’s Cameo took off, a separate Cameo starring former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci (take that in for a second) surfaced, with the Mooch reading the same Bradyn-and-Cheyenne-centric script.
That mark McGrath video is great but I’ll take that and raise you
…a scaramucci 🙊🏃♂️ pic.twitter.com/s4C3FMOAFr
By late afternoon, Rolling Stone was reporting that the McGrath and Mooch videos were ordered by Twitter user @SeanAppalled.
“That video was a video I paid to have made as a joke,” @SeanAppalled told the magazine via direct message. He told Rolling Stone that he ordered the same Cameo message from Sonny Sandoval of the band P.O.D., but that he never shared the video because it was “extremely fucking awkward.”
Hoax or not, the entire affair holds up as Very Funny, and it inspired me to dive into the moderately depressing marketplace that is the Cameo app to find celebrities who I’d rather deliver a breakup message to me than Mark McGrath.
1) Gilbert Gottfried
Here’s Gilbert Gottfried reading an excerpt from Robert Caro’s “The Power Broker” that I paid $150 for on Cameo AND YES IT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY AND NO I STILL CANNOT FINISH THE BOOK pic.twitter.com/I3PR0lXAGR
Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always been curious what it would be like to have my heart ripped out of my chest by the voice of Iago. Gottfried is extremely active on Cameo, recording multiple videos a day, but he doesn’t come cheap: You’ll need to cough up 15,000 credits (~$220) to send me packing.
2) Brett Favre
LMAO the Ticats really spent $500 for a Brett Favre cameo pic.twitter.com/fL0aK5NDSg
Brett Favre is a Super Bowl champion quarterback who passed for over 71,000 passing yards in his NFL career. He also will gladly cut things off with your loved ones for 50,000 credits (~$750). Extra kudos if Favre uses the phrases “go long” or “sack” when explaining to me that my wife thinks we’d be better off as friends.
3) A Real Housewife
The stars of the various Real Housewives franchise are so abundant on Cameo that the platform gave them their own category on the homepage alongside “Comedians” and “YouTubers.” I would hope if my wife were using this video messaging service to tell me it’s over, she would also do me the courtesy of booking Bethenny Frankel (27,500 credits or ~$300) or Teresa Giudice (20,000 credits or ~$275) to do the deed. However, if she was trying to save money, she could always hire Peggy Tanous (3,500 credits or $50) or Kristen Taekman (2,520 credits or $36) to inform that our happy marriage had run its course.
4) Larry Wilcox
Just got a Cameo from Larry Wilcox (@larrydwilcox) #cameofameo https://t.co/3Gt7h64jyM via @bookcameo
Remember Larry Wilcox? From the TV show CHiPs? No, not Erik Estrada. The other one. Well, Larry is available and willing to send me to a very dark place for several weeks that I’d emerge from only once I threw myself into a hobby like geocaching, and he’ll do it for the cool price of 3,000 credits (~$40).
5) Ying Yang Twins
When you & @shuttle_konk22 want @GnarMar44 to have a REALLY special birthday. @yingyangtwins @BookCameo pic.twitter.com/ewj1iswX27
I have fond memories of driving around Harrisonburg, VA in my beat-up red Infiniti sedan, blasting Ying Yang Twins without a care in the world. Play “Salt Shaker” and it just brings me back to college, a time where I was young and a little bit reckless and had nothing but raw ambition and hope for the future. I was happy then, shielded from the cruel realities of adult life and all the responsibilities that come with it. So it would be absolutely devastating if Kaine and D-Roc were the ones to inform me that my wife needed some space so she could “think things through.” But they would gladly oblige if you coughed up 5,000 credits (~$75).
6) Criss Angel, Mindfreak
CRISS ANGEL IS ON CAMEO FOR $1,000
There was something special about the first time I met my wife. It wasn’t a spark, per se. It was more like…magic? Criss Angel has only posted one video to Cameo ever, but he might break his drought for 100,000 credits (over $1,000) to end this blissful chapter of my life and swiftly push me into the great unknown.
7) Ken Bone
whats ken bone so busy with that it takes him 2 days to film a cameo? pic.twitter.com/DAmkgM45ho
Respect to Ken Bone for managing to milk his 15 seconds of fame into a steady career as a Cameo celebrity. Ken went full Bone in his early Cameo videos, donning his trademark red sweater vest from the 2016 debate. But in recent videos, he seems to have tired of the character, delivering glad tidings and shoutouts in rumpled button downs and baggy sweatshirts. He’s prolific on the platform and he’s a steal at 2,000 credits (~$27), which means you could prompt me to replay every conversation I’ve ever had with my wife, searching for what I could’ve said to turn things around or demonstrate how much I love her—without breaking the bank.
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